What Am I Forgetting?

Do you ever have that nagging feeling that you’ve forgotten something important? You’ve forgotten to do something. At first you just ponder the question, “What have I forgotten?” On most occasions the feeling is dismissed when nothing readily comes to mind. But occasionally there are days when the feeling persists. You continue to wonder and when you can’t come up with something you forgot to do you start thinking, “Was I supposed to bring something or tell someone something.” You know in your gut that something has been forgotten.

Most people experience this annoying nag from time to time. In my lifetime I’ve experienced it maybe a handful of times until recently. Beautiful MaddieIt has become a daily part of my routine. It hits as I’m stepping through the elevator doors leaving the baby floor at Summit Medical Center. “I forgot something,” or “I’m missing something.” I fixate on this feeling as the elevator descends. When I come up with nothing I begin running through a mental list. Did I change Maddie’s diaper? Did I make sure her wires weren’t pulling? Did I close her isolette door? Did I make sure she was in a comfortable position? Did I take her temperature? Did I feed her? That’s when it reaches the point of the absurd. Of course I fed her. That’s why I go at feeding time!

I eventually shake the feeling as I’m walking toward my car and think of the errands I want to run next. I pull up to the world’s longest stoplight to leave the hospital and suddenly it’s there again. Did I make sure Maddie could stretch her legs in her sleeper? Are you absolutely sure I closed the isolette door? Did she burp after I fed her? Did I leave her there to struggle with gas pain? WHAT DID I FORGET?

Mel and MaddieYesterday, while still sitting there at the WLS, I began to cry. No, I began to sob because the answer that has been plaguing me for just over 2 weeks finally came to me. I haven’t forgotten anything. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to do but it’s the most unnatural feeling in the whole world. Everyday, I go to visit my baby in a little heated box. I feed her and hug her and kiss her and talk to her and then my hour is up and I leave her in that little heated box.

Maddie in IsoletteWe’ve been very blessed. Maddie was born healthy and she is gaining weight and getting stronger everyday. She very likely will be home in the next 2 weeks or so. I know in my heart that she is in great hands and she is in the best place for her right now but the feeling of walking away from her everyday is just so hard to bear. It’s never going to get easier but perhaps now that I know the answer I’ll be able to push that nagging feeling aside and leave knowing that I’ve done everything I needed to do and that my little girl is safe and secure in her cozy little heated box.